to lay down / lay you down / lay you out / head first / feet dangling / arms out / this shirt you’re wearing doesn’t hold you like i do / this tune that your humming doesn’t fit your lips like mine do / sweep , sweep away , cigaret butts, moth balls, plastic lids / soak, soak this skin, let gravity in / the cut on the left leads to the right / the cut on the right leans in/ left, gone, long / nothing is wrong if it gets better / nothing is lost if it’s replaced / step on to the balcony / walk on the roof / the higher you go / the higher you’ll feel / you can’t keep walking down stairs / you can’t keep turning off lights / these words on your mind / you need to lay them down to rest / we have one life to follow / ten lives to get lost / when i tell you i mean it / i really mean don’t stop / when i say good night / i really mean good morning / what you’ve learned to put off until tomorrow / might take flight during the night / its day time over here / night time over there / if we keep walking / the seasons will follow / if we keep talking / we can distance ourselves from sorrow.
he wakes up. he holds still. he holds breath. he holds back. a new day in a new place.
i have met you. i have left you. i will go through it again.
the point of departure is the spot where we first met. where we learned a name of another. a name that came back. a name that found a fit in the centre of our mind. centre of our eyes. sacred eyes. sacred.
the day will be windy. air that holds us up will push us around. will push us into the direction we need to go. this is the way, follow the wind. this is the day, follow the wind.
what is left ? take your time. what is left ? look all around. what is left ? remember a name. remember a time. remember a place.
take a left. take it slow. take a left. search for eyes that glow. this is a street for today. this is the place where i’ll stay as you fade.
feel the wind, feel your skin. feel the wind, feel it stick. follow its lead. time your needs. this is one day where you can be free. let go of names. let go of flames. wind is here. hear it speak. let it sink all that is meant to leave.
one day you will meet someone who will make you forget. forget everything you were ever scared of, everything that ever hurt you, everything that ever left you, everything that took a part of you and buried it.
one day you will meet someone who will make you remember. remember that your ribcage can expand, your steps can go further, that tomorrow is just another place to find each other, that you can feel happy for other people’s happiness, that you can do anything because someone believes in you.
one day you will meet someone who will make you want to dance. dance through the rain, dance in living rooms, dance through moody days and magical nights, dance forward, dance to climb, dance to merge. dance.
one day you will meet someone who you will want to introduce to everyone. hey, WORLD, this is my person, look! listen, he talks from the heart! see, he smiles wide! smell, he smells like home! one day you will meet someone who you will want to bring home. open the door, let them see: the pillow you lay your head on, the corner you read in, the quotes you put on the fridge, the earings you display, the candles that light your night up. you will open the door and say: please, come in - my place was meant to be shared with you.
one day you will meet someone and realize - hey… you. yeah. it’s you. it’s going to be you.
it’s alright, i’m scared too. i’ve come from other people too. but you found me in this moment, we are here now. i’m with you now. i promise, i care for you. - Sa Fa
“25 - is that how old you are? how did you fit all of you into that girl!” he says. as if age is a bag and i’m groceries. as if he can see how one year put together twenty five times is not enough space for life. “there’s gotta be more age where you come from!” he says. as if he sees a tunnel in me, tracks that can be traced into a mountain, a path that goes under ground, a water well that can drown him. “i swear it, you can pass for twelve, but twenty five sure ain’t the stage for all you got in you!” he says. as if i’m hiding behind a teenager, as if i i’m old woman in doll face, like my legs are ready to limp, like my back’s already crooked, like i’m closer to the ground than i show. “someday somebody’s gonna come and find you in your real age, girl, they gon’ come and speak your language, and then you’ll see what i’m talkin’ ‘bout, then you’ll see how you was born before you think you were!” he says. as if i don’t remember my own history, as if i’m waiting to be discovered, as if i need a flash light shown on me, like i’m a light bulb that needs changing, like i got a palette but no paint brush. “now don’t get me wrong, girl, i’m just saying what i’m seeing, you know, god gave me that kinda mouth you know, you got it too, i’m just telling you how i see you, this ‘aint infomercial talk , girl, spring has sprung, and it’s time to let ‘dem dry branches drop!” he says. as if i asked him, as it i don’t know what he knows, like i’ve been led astray on the street he’s drawn me on, like i need direction, like he’s got summer and i got rain, like i need him to explain me to myself. “you know, for a shadow, you sure know how to bark, girl, you gotta let them jaws relax, no day is good enough for biting on , you still young, girl, keep saying your twenty five and maybe some fool will believe you, but you gotta learn that there are better thing to add up than age , in this life man, you can chose to call a sunset a sunrise, you can chose to be a mother to a tree, you can chose to bend rods into hullahoops, you can chose to circle every line, bend every arrow, exclaim every point, blur every border. girl, i’m just telling you what you already know.” he says. as if he was born before me, as if he is the teeth inside my mouth, the skin on my cheeks, the colour in my eye site, the move in my step, the end of my sentence, the hat to my hair. “all i’m saying is, there has got to be a back stage to your face, there has got to be an elevator to go down in, a prologue to your first chapter, a treasure chest to open, a seed under your trunk, a canvas under your paint, a held breath under your silence, a key behind your lock, a packed bag behind your closet, a place in time where your calendar system hits zero & confetti starts fallin’, a place where the rocket took off, a place where you lost count, a place where you saw your face in the stars - that’s where we first met , girl, i’m telling you, we have met” he says. as if i don’t remember him, as if i gave up on memory, as if i laid my birth into the ground and covered it with mud, as if he knows that i gave my life away on a bus ride, as if he knows i’ve burnt my skin with lazers, as if he know what parts of me are water, what parts of me are air, like i’m suspended over tree tops, like i’m cut into half, like words can tape me up, like i got a will to collect myself. “now don’t go steaming through your eyes girl, ‘dem parts of you were made to shine - you gotta keep your parts in working order, this life is made for the living. i say i see you, why don’t you come on closer and see what’s reflecting in my eyes, words can only take you so far, you gotta jump into the sea of the living, girl, i see you and your one year put together twenty five times, now you come on up in here and see where the current can take you, like my forty has an after taste, like this body has a best before date, like one house has two entrances, i’m telling you, there is space for you, walk the line and you’ll get lost , girl - i’m a map, come and intersect!” he says. like i’m aimless, like i don’t have stars to follow, like the sun has left me like i’m in darkness, like he got flowers and i got mud, like this person i am ain’t enough on her own, like tomorrow is fading, like old men got the answer, like my mother didn’t birth me, like i’m from a graveyard, like i need resuscitating, as if my ribcage is not enough, as if my body forgot itself, as if soil can’t touch me, as if i need to smash my head on a brick wall just so i can wake up. “fuck you very much, sir, but like i said i’m twenty five and i wake up to the sound of birds, that’s right, i wake up, sir, like i’m alive, like this body is a orchestra playing loudly, like i got streets in me that only i know how to walk on, like i’m a runway, like i got shoes that don’t fit you, like i got voice that don’t need yelling, like i got heart that don’t need saving, like i’m alive, i said, i’m alive, like i got paint and brush, copper and gold, tin roof and mud wall, like i’m a house, like i got attics and cellars, i don’t need reminding, nor minding, nor handling, nor preaching - i’m alive, sir, and i’m eagle wings beating, volcano brewing, honey bee sleeping, like i got sting and sugar, length and depth, flight and light. my one year put together twenty five times has got more than you could ever know, sir. sir, step back, i need more room.”
fading rays of light hang over the court, rackets melt in to their covers, dust dives into the dusk. it is special to be eleven, it is special to feel yourself hit a ball, make it sing, it is special to have a bright yellow cotton collared shirt wearing man smile at you from the bench. it is special to have a gentleman for a father. it is special to boycott stair climbing until he comes back. it is special that he comes back. it is special that he is often away. it is special when it means he is in a war zone. it is special that he can grow a beard, he can speak farsi, he can calm hungry hearted taliban. it is special that he can laugh like an eleven year old. it is special that he gives you his work desk to do your first grade homework on. it is special that he teaches you to swim. it is special that he plays like you , you with your dolls ,you with your ball, you with your bike. it is special that he teaches you backgammon. it is special that he uses his father’s board , it is special that he takes it along when you have left the mother khak. it is special that he waters the garden in the new land. it is special that you are there near him , it is special to witness how it is possible to make new soil into same home. it is special that he has strong arms and soft hands. it is special that you can cry and it is special that one day he cries , it is special that he shows you what to accept. it is special that he smoothes your back as you shake on a plane, as you radiate heat, as you stop, stop. it is special that he always believes. it is special that his patience dances with his persistence. it is special that he dances , it is special that he has found the way to emanate, it is special that he wants you to inherit it. it is special that you see and listen and speak and hold and love and move forward with power like he showed you.
II. in the in between, i will create, this is how you can learn me.
II. i walk side streets so i have space to see the person i want to be when i’m with you-she walks beside me, her attention is as thick as a winter curtain, she is forever from the earth.
IIII. how does my patience fit here? i have been put together , and i have been pulled apart. you were a face, now you are a text. i was woman, i was girl. i grew,i fell. how can my patience grow here?
IIIII. i moved too many times to be able to hold on to time. i fear i will never find time with people i love. when i am without time, i am in rush, the rush of school children running out the gate, running down the hill, never knowing when the ground under them will run out.
IIIII. you are the only person i have met who laughs louder, stronger, bigger, deeper than me. laugh. laugh.
IIIIII. numbers where my specialty until grade 3. i believe in trilogies. i believe that my two hands can fit yours. i believe all cloud formations release the same drops, that all tears are made of the same components.
IIIIIIII. i’ve been stuck in mud before. i’ve walked up mountains before. i have worn the wrong shoes, misjudged the distance, forgot pain killers, found that the forgetting is what allows me to connect to the stars that guide the god in us.
IIIIIIIII. maybe you will never come back, maybe our shoulders brushed each other by, maybe that gave me the breeze , the slight shift in direction i needed. i was heading to the east, now i am facing the west. my heart is wrapping itself around the centre. IIIIIIIIII. i imagine. i imagine it all. i imagine guiding you through sun salutations, adjusting your shoulders, connecting you with ease. i imagine speaking the written words, releasing the voice in me that is rooted in nature. i imagine swaying, soft white cotton, foreheads leaning. i imagine stuttering but trying to speak , slowly, then furiously, before the judgement can trap me. i imagine nervous smiling falling away into grounded tears. i imagine shedding so i have more space to hold you. i imagine we fit. - Sa Fa
the language you tattooed on me can not be read yesterday another alphabet poured out of my fingers spelling out khaneh, vatan, zamine madar . i’m from my grandmothers amama va madarjoon from hair curlers to house coats to halva, a sweetness for moments of mourning . i’m from a circle where revolutions happen in parks and lost daughters cycle their way home . i’m from flower shops and graveyards kitchens and basements hotels and revolving doors i cross streets sideways learned to crawl forward backwards slamed and shattered and laughed . i’m from gravity from lava and sea salt a road trip sowed skin unto skin hours of longing for a sound unceasing . i’m from dust and sweat from summers in the dry heat on floating carpets to walnuts with tea . i’m from panick attacks from victory speeches from dirty hands and careless hearts . i’m from airports from fears left behind from songs and ashes burnt trees and burnt memories . i’m from an echo passed down and passing through from permission and abandonment from nine schools and nine lives . i’m from flowers from trunks and roots from cradles and bunk beads marathons and races . i’m from lineage and rain storms rocks, clouds, and juice i’m from liquid i’m from truth -Sa Fa